When someone calls you "fatty"...

Well, it's been an interesting week.  I was automatically reminded why no matter how far you think you've come, you can be instantly brought back to the past in a matter of a second.  An acquaintance of mine was half-assed joking early this week, when he breezed by me, saying:  "Hey Fatty!". 

Okay.  Logical me knows it is ridiculous to be bothered by this for even a second.  And I know that he was trying to be a smart-ass.  But it stung and felt like a huge slap.  In fact, you could have slapped 70 lbs right back on me, and threw me back in time.

I was never a "fat" child...but I was definitely bigger...always taller, always just bigger.  I longed to be petite and delicate but that was never me.  I was always back row, middle in all class pictures.  And I hated it.  Weight wasn't so much of a sensitive issue as size overall.  And...let's face it, kids are mean. And they were.

Me, in kindergarten, just realizing that some kids are mean.  Perhaps I was also just finding out that big bows are NOT all the rage...even in 1982:

But I digress. 

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I have worked particularly hard since having my little one in January 2010.  Not only did I realize that I needed to shed the baby weight...but I needed to shed the extra pounds that had slowly creeped up through high school, university, and beyond.  I really was sick of feeling "big"...and having Emma also made me realize that I wanted to live and be an active, awesome example for her.  Everyday.

In 2011, I committed to changes and lost close to 70 lbs.  I'm proud of this. And I've worked hard for it. And I feel like I've done it in the right way.  No gimmicks.  Just hard work.  I haven't been perfect by any means, but consistency, not perfection, is what brought me here. 

Me, August 2010                                   Me, August 2011

Not the greatest of pictures...but you get the idea.  Looking at the "before" is hard because I definitely was in denial about how big I was...and a comment like "Hey Fatty" would have devastated me then, now it stings but I think it reminds me of how, not that long ago, that same person wouldn't have exactly been "jokingly" saying those words.

Guess that's the difference, now, isn't it?  I'm angry.  I'm mad.  I'm mad at myself that  I could let those two words affect me so.  But it also reminded me that people who say these comments would say it to anyone, no matter what their size, no matter what the circumstance.   There is some comfort in other people's douchery.

I suppose I'd like to go back and tell my much younger self this too.  And I definitely will be making sure Emma always knows this:  she's beautiful, she's amazing, and  nothing anyone can say or do can change that.  It's taking me a looooong time to start to understand this. Truly understanding it.  And I'm still reminding myself of this on almost a daily basis.

On a lighter, more positive note.  As frustrating and maddening as these words were, they inspired me to have a great week.  Last night, I ran the fastest 10km time I ever have (55:25!) and it felt amazing.  I couldn't help but think of last week's bully.  And all the bullies before. Sucks to be you!

Until next time...



Finding my way...

I admit, I've been feeling a little off kilter lately.  The everyday stresses of trying to balance work and being a wife and mom have felt more overwhelming than usual.   I'm sure most people can relate to the feeling of...well, for lack of better terms...living a "half-assed" life. Somedays, I'm just glad I remembered to brush my hair before leaving the house.  Going through the motions the last few weeks seems to be where I've been at as of late.

That being said, a good friend of mine told me something last year, shortly after I went back to work after my maternity leave and it's something I keep reminding myself, especially when I've been feeling this way:  "Allow yourself to feel what you feel, and move on." 

It's so true. It's simple but it has resonated with me for a few reasons. It sounds a little crazy but a big part of what ends up stresses me out is the fact that I stew and worry about being stressed out! It's a vicious cycle and for me...I know that I can be my own worst enemy emotionally. Like my friend pointed out...sometimes, half the battle is accepting that not everyday is going to be fantastic.   And you might even have weeks that aren't fantastic.  And that's okay. 

So, yeah, I've been going through the motions lately.  I'll admit it.  And with that, I'd even admit that even my runs have felt uninspired.  I've been feeling sluggish and just wanting to get them done and over with (mind you, always end up feeling a bit better but still...).  Anyway, this past weekend I felt that I was able to relax, regroup, and not only that, I had a great run. 

This was a shot I took on my way around the lakeshore route that I enjoy....

As I was thinking about the post I wanted to write, it seems that this picture is more than appropriate.  I'm ready to move on from how I have been feeling the last few weeks.  It wasn't the first time I felt that way and it won't be the last but I know that around the corner, there will be a new day, a fresh start, and a better run. 

Surviving Holidays...

My hubs and I took the past week off.  We didn't have any definite plans but ended up going to Niagara Falls for 3 days with our little one.  The weather ended up being TERRIBLE which wouldn't have necessarily been that bad had we been travelling with out a toddler...but a road trip with a toddler and with major limitations in outdoor activities...not FUN!  Who would have figured on running into snow/hail for holidays planned near the end of April.  ARGH!

Anyway, c'est la vie.  We got back home mid-week and have enjoyed a "staycation" of sorts.  Did some work around the house and relaxed.

I'm happy to say that even while on holidays, I still got in a 26 km week.  I'd like to say that I was overly motivated and energetic, but I think the cute new running clothes that I picked up in Niagara Falls helped more...I really wanted to try them out!  Meh, whatever works, I guess! ;)

A run to remember...

I went for a great 10km run mid-week and took a route that I often take.  It sounds a little strange but it takes me past the cemetery where my brother is buried.  My passing by the cemetry gets me thinking everytime.

My brother died very suddenly when he was just 32 years old (and I was 18).  Sixteen years later, the pain is still there like a dull ache just under the surface.  It's definitely hard not to think about the "what ifs" and the "whys". 

Soon after it happened and even now, I never got any comfort from visiting his gravesite.  I find it more comforting looking to the sky (yes, it sounds juvenile, I know...), or pouring over old pictures or just thinking about past, funny things that he said or did. 

He died when I admit, I was still a selfish teenager.  As I ran by the cemetry the other day, I couldn't help but think about how much I've changed since that moment.... and I'd like to think he'd be proud.  I think he would love my husband like a brother (both die-hard Habs fans) and I know he would adore and spoil our daugther beyond belief.  I think he'd be in awe of how much I've taken to running...and I think he would teasingly call me "crazy" as any big brother really should.

Losing my brother was really difficult, and right when it happened, I instantly learned how unfair and fragile life can be.  It's taken me a few years to learn to try and truly appreciate the life you have, rather than feel sorry for yourself for the one you think you're stuck with.

As I run by the cemetery, I don't stop.  Not because I'm afraid or because I'm in denial...but because I know that he'd want me to keep going.  To keep moving.  To keep living.

A one track mind...

I have a one track mind.  Actually, most would argue that it's NOT about running (ha, ha) but actually, when it comes to exercise, I tend to have a one track mind....it's running or nothing at all!  I know, I know...it's better to mix it up.  But I'm guilty of running and doing nothing else.  Over the past few weeks, I'm making a concentrated effort to mix it up.  Right now, it still feels a bit forced, but I know I need to mix it up.
My resolution for this spring / summer is to bike more!  I'd really love biking and the area where I live really is pretty idea for biking.  We also bought a trailer for our little one and I'm a bit embarassed to say we didn't end up using as much as we had hoped last summer.  Not only this, but we also have a spin bike - no excuses!  I just need to DO IT!

I'm also terrible at incorporating strength training into my regime so I'm trying to do a couple of dvds twice a week (love the Jillian Michaels and Jackie Warner ones!).  I've always struggled with doing strength training on my own--but I have all the equipment (hand weights, kettlebell, etc...) so again, NO EXCUSES!  I just need to do it.

I heard about a couple of "fun" apps-- One Hundred Push-Ups and Two Hundred Sit-Ups.  Has anyone tried these "challenges"?  Check them out!  I'm not sure if I buy that I'll ever be able to do either by the end of the program but hey--thought they were both fun challenges to take on and if along the way, I gain some strength, why not?!

As much as I feel like I'm struggling to incorporate these habits into my routine, I know I need to focus on what I HAVE managed to incorporate in my life as habit so far and know that it's possible.  I NEED to run 3 or 4 times a week or I feel "off".  How cool is that?!  So far, so good...

Amazing what running will do...

I've been taking it fairly easy since ATB.  Don't get me wrong...I've had some quality runs, but I've definitely been taking my time in recovering with some easy runs, but have had some good tempo runs thrown in too. 

One of oldest friends was home for Easter as well and she recently ran ATB as well.  She suggested we go for a run together on Friday. It was a great suggestion--we had no plans anyway and I wanted to get in a run and we don't usually get to run together so it was a really nice twist to our usual routines! It turned out to be great---we ran a 13k that was full of laughs, catching up, and recapping our ATB experiences.

It's so odd where life takes you.  About three years ago, we hit a rough patch in our friendship.  And for a few reasons, I needed to just seperate myself from her.  It's hard to explain without sounding like a jerk (and I'll admit...I probably was at that point) but I felt that our friendship had ran its course (no pun intended).

After about a year of no communication, we reached out to each other and reconnected.  We have gotten back in touch with each other with what I feel is a different friendship. It's not that our old connections are lost, but I think that things are different in a good way.

We have both gotten into running and now that is what has really bonded us.  As I was running with her on Friday, I realized how lucky I was to have not only rediscovered our friendship, but how lucky I am that we now have running as something that connects us.

Okay, this is sounding a little cheesy, I realize.  But it's another little reminder how much running has impacted my life.  Since I started plodding along, I've slowly and progressively changed in a few different areas of my life, not just physically.  So yeah...that sounds pretty cheesy...but it's also pretty great!

A not-so-lazy Sunday...

Weird how the definition of "lazy Sunday" changes as we get older.   In some respects, today felt like a "lazy Sunday". These days, Sundays mean household chores, errands, etc getting ready for the work week.  Since it was dark and rainy most of the day, it didn't seem so bad to spend the day doing the "ho-hum" stuff like that.

I was disappointed that the weather wasn't a bit better--I wasn't in the mood to try an outdoor run in this weather  as I've felt like I've been fighting a cold all week.  I opted to do a bit of a run on the treadmill (while doing laundry, no less!) and  managed to  do 8 km in 47:05.  I've taken it easy this week, recovering from ATB, but I don't want to completely lose  my focus or my progress.

I don't hate the treadmill...I would always to prefer to run outdoors if I could.  But our treadmill definitely hasn't collected any dust.  We've used it a lot and it's been a savour some days.  Today, I was especially thankful to be able to just walk down the stairs, hop on and get a good run in to help complete my "lazy Sunday". :)