Okay. Logical me knows it is ridiculous to be bothered by this for even a second. And I know that he was trying to be a smart-ass. But it stung and felt like a huge slap. In fact, you could have slapped 70 lbs right back on me, and threw me back in time.
I was never a "fat" child...but I was definitely bigger...always taller, always just bigger. I longed to be petite and delicate but that was never me. I was always back row, middle in all class pictures. And I hated it. Weight wasn't so much of a sensitive issue as size overall. And...let's face it, kids are mean. And they were.
Me, in kindergarten, just realizing that some kids are mean. Perhaps I was also just finding out that big bows are NOT all the rage...even in 1982:
But I digress.
As I've mentioned in previous posts, I have worked particularly hard since having my little one in January 2010. Not only did I realize that I needed to shed the baby weight...but I needed to shed the extra pounds that had slowly creeped up through high school, university, and beyond. I really was sick of feeling "big"...and having Emma also made me realize that I wanted to live and be an active, awesome example for her. Everyday.
In 2011, I committed to changes and lost close to 70 lbs. I'm proud of this. And I've worked hard for it. And I feel like I've done it in the right way. No gimmicks. Just hard work. I haven't been perfect by any means, but consistency, not perfection, is what brought me here.
Me, August 2010 Me, August 2011
Not the greatest of pictures...but you get the idea. Looking at the "before" is hard because I definitely was in denial about how big I was...and a comment like "Hey Fatty" would have devastated me then, now it stings but I think it reminds me of how, not that long ago, that same person wouldn't have exactly been "jokingly" saying those words.
Guess that's the difference, now, isn't it? I'm angry. I'm mad. I'm mad at myself that I could let those two words affect me so. But it also reminded me that people who say these comments would say it to anyone, no matter what their size, no matter what the circumstance. There is some comfort in other people's douchery.
I suppose I'd like to go back and tell my much younger self this too. And I definitely will be making sure Emma always knows this: she's beautiful, she's amazing, and nothing anyone can say or do can change that. It's taking me a looooong time to start to understand this. Truly understanding it. And I'm still reminding myself of this on almost a daily basis.
On a lighter, more positive note. As frustrating and maddening as these words were, they inspired me to have a great week. Last night, I ran the fastest 10km time I ever have (55:25!) and it felt amazing. I couldn't help but think of last week's bully. And all the bullies before. Sucks to be you!
Until next time...
