Love, fear, and everything in between.

Like many, I've found it difficult to comprehend what happened in Boston.  I've found myself with mixed emotions ranging from wanting to know as much as possible to wanting to shut it out completely.

My amazing brother-in-law has ran Boston before and in fact, my husband has gone to Boston with him to support him and stood not far from where one of the bombs went off.  It's hard not to think about how awful that would have been had this happened when they were there.   I just....can't.....imagine.  My heart aches for those who perished, those who are fighting for their lives, and the families and loved ones of those people.  It's frightening and so sad that a day meant for celebrating the accomplishments of these amazing athletes was torn to shreds by this senseless act.  It really is senseless.  I just don't get it.  And I never want to understand why these things happen.

It also has made me think a lot about how in little more than two weeks, I'll be lining up to run my very first full marathon.  Fear, anxiety, and excitment are all normal feelings, I'm sure and somehow all of those emotions seem even more heightened.

As much as my initial, split second reaction was a sinking feeling that I may be making a mistake by running, that quickly changed and has just made me feel more determined. I feel really strongly that life must go on.  Runners need to run.  Events need to be celebrated. And overall, you need to love with a full and honest heart.  It's all too easy in this scary world to live in fear and question everything and everyone who passes through your life.  But...that kind of life isn't really the kind of life I want to live.

When I decided I wanted to take the plunge and train for a full marathon, my main goal was to do something amazing that would not only raise a few dollars in memory of a very special man (my late big brother, Bob) but to show my darling girl that she can pretty much do anything with some determination, hard work, and yeah, some passion.  Mommy ran a marathon?  Ummm, yeah!

This is suddenly sounding like an "After School Special" and I suppose, there is a cheesy slant to all of this reflection, isn't there?  I'll own the cheese. ;)  I'll also own every step that I've taken in training for this.  I'll own every early morning run, every late night run...and everything in between.  I know I won't be running that 42.2 very fast.  I know that it won't go perfectly.  I know that while I run, my emotions are going to be very raw.  I'm going to own that as well.  I know that on the actual day of the race on May 5th, I have already accomplished so much by all the time and training I have put into this.  This wasn't something I've taken lightly.  This hasn't been a whim.  This has been hard work.  It hasn't been a perfect journey, but it's one that I've been committed to.

During my last long training run (31 km on Sunday), I felt myself getting teary on my way back home.  My run went past the cemetary where my brother is...and not that I have ever believed that "he" is "there"...it's still emotional.  I miss him.  And I suppose a big part of me feels that I owe it to him and to myself to live the fullest life possible.

The concept of "living a full life" probably means something different to everyone.  And maybe part of living is actually just trying to figure out the answer to that question.  One of my colleagues remarked to me, shortly after I had signed up for this and I was expressing some of my fears:  "Won't it be great to have this to look back on?  This is going to be in your highlight reel."  It's kind of funny, but it got me thinking.  The things that we remember most are the people and things that have had an impact on us.  It's not always the wonderful celebrations...but it's not always the horrible things either that are in our "highlight reel".  I think our highlight reel is going to be the times when we showed ourselves what we are made of, we took a risk, and yep, we did something we never thought we could do but did it anyway.

Living a full life, indeed.

The Worst Run...so far.

Okay.  So maybe it wasn't exactly my "worst run EVER" but it was close to one of the worst I've had ever since I have started running.  Why?  Well, I'm not exactly sure but I'd guess it was a combination of a few things.  I had a stressful week...hubby was out of town for work most of the week, we all have had head colds, and it has been a long, sometimes frustrating week.  Lack of sleep this week of course magnified things too...and lack of sleep always makes things seems worse than they are.

All that being said, I was looking forward to heading out the door this morning.  I wasn't sure how far I'd get but knew I wanted to get out the door and take advantage of the great weather. Ugh.  Not to be.  I headed out to start my run in a bad mood...something that rarely happens but I kept telling myself, my mood would turn around the more I ran.  At about 5 km, I still wasn't feeling it.  At 10 km...I felt awful but was determined to keep going...my mind and body just weren't into it, and I was totally frustrated with myself.

By the time I hit 14 km, I ended up call my husband to come and pick me up.  Ran for another couple of km until he picked me up.  Deflated.  A 16 km run which felt so awful that it could have been 100 km. 

Hubs reminded me...this is one run...and think about all of the other runs I've done that have been great.  Think back to ATB, he said...think back to all of the other long runs, the short ones, the impromptu ones...it's never about one run.

 And it's true, isn't it?  It's never about just "one run" but it's funny how in the moment, we can convince ourselves that it's truly so disappointing and devastating that it makes us doubt our overall abilities and successes.  I think I'm probably like most people that you usually have such a limited window to get that long run in...if it doesn't happen, it's especially disappointing because it's not easy to do at another point during the week.

Anyway, so I got home, feeling deflated but also knowing that I'm probably better off for calling him for a ride rather than try to push myself and end up injuring myself or something. 

It's very funny the way things work out though.  I was feeling grumpy and disappointed.  Then,  I looked on Runkeeper and noticed something.  With today's entry...it exactly put me at 500 km for the year.

 

 

I'll take it as a sign to be less hard on myself.  Or at least try to be less hard on myself.

 

Was today's run what I wanted it to be?  Not in the least.  But I went out...and ran for almost two hours...despite wanting to talk myself of even stepping out the door. 

 

And guess what? When I didn't even expect to, I reached a new milestone.

 

I'll take it...the good with the bad....I'll still take it.