Love, fear, and everything in between.

Like many, I've found it difficult to comprehend what happened in Boston.  I've found myself with mixed emotions ranging from wanting to know as much as possible to wanting to shut it out completely.

My amazing brother-in-law has ran Boston before and in fact, my husband has gone to Boston with him to support him and stood not far from where one of the bombs went off.  It's hard not to think about how awful that would have been had this happened when they were there.   I just....can't.....imagine.  My heart aches for those who perished, those who are fighting for their lives, and the families and loved ones of those people.  It's frightening and so sad that a day meant for celebrating the accomplishments of these amazing athletes was torn to shreds by this senseless act.  It really is senseless.  I just don't get it.  And I never want to understand why these things happen.

It also has made me think a lot about how in little more than two weeks, I'll be lining up to run my very first full marathon.  Fear, anxiety, and excitment are all normal feelings, I'm sure and somehow all of those emotions seem even more heightened.

As much as my initial, split second reaction was a sinking feeling that I may be making a mistake by running, that quickly changed and has just made me feel more determined. I feel really strongly that life must go on.  Runners need to run.  Events need to be celebrated. And overall, you need to love with a full and honest heart.  It's all too easy in this scary world to live in fear and question everything and everyone who passes through your life.  But...that kind of life isn't really the kind of life I want to live.

When I decided I wanted to take the plunge and train for a full marathon, my main goal was to do something amazing that would not only raise a few dollars in memory of a very special man (my late big brother, Bob) but to show my darling girl that she can pretty much do anything with some determination, hard work, and yeah, some passion.  Mommy ran a marathon?  Ummm, yeah!

This is suddenly sounding like an "After School Special" and I suppose, there is a cheesy slant to all of this reflection, isn't there?  I'll own the cheese. ;)  I'll also own every step that I've taken in training for this.  I'll own every early morning run, every late night run...and everything in between.  I know I won't be running that 42.2 very fast.  I know that it won't go perfectly.  I know that while I run, my emotions are going to be very raw.  I'm going to own that as well.  I know that on the actual day of the race on May 5th, I have already accomplished so much by all the time and training I have put into this.  This wasn't something I've taken lightly.  This hasn't been a whim.  This has been hard work.  It hasn't been a perfect journey, but it's one that I've been committed to.

During my last long training run (31 km on Sunday), I felt myself getting teary on my way back home.  My run went past the cemetary where my brother is...and not that I have ever believed that "he" is "there"...it's still emotional.  I miss him.  And I suppose a big part of me feels that I owe it to him and to myself to live the fullest life possible.

The concept of "living a full life" probably means something different to everyone.  And maybe part of living is actually just trying to figure out the answer to that question.  One of my colleagues remarked to me, shortly after I had signed up for this and I was expressing some of my fears:  "Won't it be great to have this to look back on?  This is going to be in your highlight reel."  It's kind of funny, but it got me thinking.  The things that we remember most are the people and things that have had an impact on us.  It's not always the wonderful celebrations...but it's not always the horrible things either that are in our "highlight reel".  I think our highlight reel is going to be the times when we showed ourselves what we are made of, we took a risk, and yep, we did something we never thought we could do but did it anyway.

Living a full life, indeed.

The Worst Run...so far.

Okay.  So maybe it wasn't exactly my "worst run EVER" but it was close to one of the worst I've had ever since I have started running.  Why?  Well, I'm not exactly sure but I'd guess it was a combination of a few things.  I had a stressful week...hubby was out of town for work most of the week, we all have had head colds, and it has been a long, sometimes frustrating week.  Lack of sleep this week of course magnified things too...and lack of sleep always makes things seems worse than they are.

All that being said, I was looking forward to heading out the door this morning.  I wasn't sure how far I'd get but knew I wanted to get out the door and take advantage of the great weather. Ugh.  Not to be.  I headed out to start my run in a bad mood...something that rarely happens but I kept telling myself, my mood would turn around the more I ran.  At about 5 km, I still wasn't feeling it.  At 10 km...I felt awful but was determined to keep going...my mind and body just weren't into it, and I was totally frustrated with myself.

By the time I hit 14 km, I ended up call my husband to come and pick me up.  Ran for another couple of km until he picked me up.  Deflated.  A 16 km run which felt so awful that it could have been 100 km. 

Hubs reminded me...this is one run...and think about all of the other runs I've done that have been great.  Think back to ATB, he said...think back to all of the other long runs, the short ones, the impromptu ones...it's never about one run.

 And it's true, isn't it?  It's never about just "one run" but it's funny how in the moment, we can convince ourselves that it's truly so disappointing and devastating that it makes us doubt our overall abilities and successes.  I think I'm probably like most people that you usually have such a limited window to get that long run in...if it doesn't happen, it's especially disappointing because it's not easy to do at another point during the week.

Anyway, so I got home, feeling deflated but also knowing that I'm probably better off for calling him for a ride rather than try to push myself and end up injuring myself or something. 

It's very funny the way things work out though.  I was feeling grumpy and disappointed.  Then,  I looked on Runkeeper and noticed something.  With today's entry...it exactly put me at 500 km for the year.

 

 

I'll take it as a sign to be less hard on myself.  Or at least try to be less hard on myself.

 

Was today's run what I wanted it to be?  Not in the least.  But I went out...and ran for almost two hours...despite wanting to talk myself of even stepping out the door. 

 

And guess what? When I didn't even expect to, I reached a new milestone.

 

I'll take it...the good with the bad....I'll still take it.

 



 

Around the Bay for the 2nd time!

Last Sunday, I was lucky enough to have run the 30k "Around the Bay" race in Hamilton, ON.  I say "lucky" because it's an extremely popular run that seems to sell out more quickly every year.  This year was my second year.  I hadn't even heard of it before friends of mine told me about it in fall of 2011 and I thought it would be a great incentive to keep me motivated to run all winter long.  I had so much fun the first time around last year, I decided to sign up again!

This year, my motivation was similar...the timing of the race ensures that you stay on track with your training during the winter months when it's all too easy to hibernate...BUT this year, I was trying to look at it as more of a training run as part of preparing for my first (and possibly ONLY lol) full marathon on May 5th!

So hubs and I headed to Hamilton on the Saturday and enjoyed a quick tour of the expo and picked up my bib, etc.  The ATB race shirts you get with registration are always nice (although this year's colour is "watermelon"...it's a little BRIGHT but I'll deal...) but I also couldn't resist buying another ATB shirt, this one is short sleeved and super cute.

Saturday night, we enjoyed dinner and a visit with some old friends, Sabrina and Lorenzo (who were the friends who had encouraged me to register the first time around!)  It's so nice to know other people running a race....even though we wouldn't be running "together", there is something really great about being able to chat and have some laughs beforehand...a good distraction and for me...a way to keep my nervous energy in check!

Sunday morning came and weather conditions ended up being perfect...it's always hard to know how to dress for races this time of year sometimes but I was comfortable in tights, a light base layer and one of my Nike running hoodies.  I also wore a ear band and gloves but peeled those item off during the last 20km when it was really starting to warm up!  I had been able to do the majority of my long runs outside this winter which was great--so this mild yet cool weather was just perfect!  I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  I will never been a HOT weather runner. 

I'm not sure if I will ever get over pre-race jitters but as someone a few years ago pointed out to me...nervous energy can be a really good thing...as long as you keep it in check.  For me, it's always the anticipation that's the worst...

Once the race started, I felt good although I'll admit, my pace felt faster than it should have been.  I tried not to look at my Garmin very much but I could see after a few quick glances.... that I was averaging 6:00-6:10/km for the first few kms.  For a longer race like the 30 km, I would normally stay closer to 6:30...and I ended up, not surprisingly, slowing down my pace for the 2nd half.  I would like to think that if I had paced myself better and started out a bit slower, I might have ran the 2nd half better, but I'm not so sure if I could have.  The last 10km of this race is VERY hilly...and well, my training just didn't include hills as much as I knew it should have (especially since this was my second kick at the can and I really knew how hilly it was!!)  Still though...I powered through, keeping to my 10 and 1's and feeling like I finished strong.

My chiptime ended up being: 3:22:16.  I'm pleased with it because I tried to keep the perspective that this truly would be a training run, NOT a race for me.....but I STILL bested last year's time by a minute.  Not shabby!  Next year (if I register....although...who am I kidding...I probably will!), I think I would like to aim for the goal to break 3:20.  I know I can do it, and I know that I could have pushed a bit harder this year but wanted to run a conservative pace. That's not a bad feeling, you know?

After a rest day on Monday (feeling a bit sore going up at the stairs at work, not going to lie!), I was glad I had a massage booked after work on Tuesday.  I was able to enjoy a nice easy 7km run on the treadmill Tuesday night and then had an even better 11.5 km run outside after work on Wednesday night! 

I am SO glad I signed up for ATB again this year.  I had initially thought it might be overkill to sign up for ATB when I had my sights really set on the full..but I think it reminded me of the importance of pacing, and allowed me to practice everything I hope to bring on May 5th.

I feel like I earned that beautiful medal this year!  Bring on 42.2!

When someone calls you "fatty"...

Well, it's been an interesting week.  I was automatically reminded why no matter how far you think you've come, you can be instantly brought back to the past in a matter of a second.  An acquaintance of mine was half-assed joking early this week, when he breezed by me, saying:  "Hey Fatty!". 

Okay.  Logical me knows it is ridiculous to be bothered by this for even a second.  And I know that he was trying to be a smart-ass.  But it stung and felt like a huge slap.  In fact, you could have slapped 70 lbs right back on me, and threw me back in time.

I was never a "fat" child...but I was definitely bigger...always taller, always just bigger.  I longed to be petite and delicate but that was never me.  I was always back row, middle in all class pictures.  And I hated it.  Weight wasn't so much of a sensitive issue as size overall.  And...let's face it, kids are mean. And they were.

Me, in kindergarten, just realizing that some kids are mean.  Perhaps I was also just finding out that big bows are NOT all the rage...even in 1982:

But I digress. 

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I have worked particularly hard since having my little one in January 2010.  Not only did I realize that I needed to shed the baby weight...but I needed to shed the extra pounds that had slowly creeped up through high school, university, and beyond.  I really was sick of feeling "big"...and having Emma also made me realize that I wanted to live and be an active, awesome example for her.  Everyday.

In 2011, I committed to changes and lost close to 70 lbs.  I'm proud of this. And I've worked hard for it. And I feel like I've done it in the right way.  No gimmicks.  Just hard work.  I haven't been perfect by any means, but consistency, not perfection, is what brought me here. 

Me, August 2010                                   Me, August 2011

Not the greatest of pictures...but you get the idea.  Looking at the "before" is hard because I definitely was in denial about how big I was...and a comment like "Hey Fatty" would have devastated me then, now it stings but I think it reminds me of how, not that long ago, that same person wouldn't have exactly been "jokingly" saying those words.

Guess that's the difference, now, isn't it?  I'm angry.  I'm mad.  I'm mad at myself that  I could let those two words affect me so.  But it also reminded me that people who say these comments would say it to anyone, no matter what their size, no matter what the circumstance.   There is some comfort in other people's douchery.

I suppose I'd like to go back and tell my much younger self this too.  And I definitely will be making sure Emma always knows this:  she's beautiful, she's amazing, and  nothing anyone can say or do can change that.  It's taking me a looooong time to start to understand this. Truly understanding it.  And I'm still reminding myself of this on almost a daily basis.

On a lighter, more positive note.  As frustrating and maddening as these words were, they inspired me to have a great week.  Last night, I ran the fastest 10km time I ever have (55:25!) and it felt amazing.  I couldn't help but think of last week's bully.  And all the bullies before. Sucks to be you!

Until next time...