The Highlight Reel

The past week has been surreal and emotional. 

The week started like any other, really.  I had actually been feeling kind of down - nothing out of the ordinary but letting the so-called little things get to me.  Feeling exhausted and cranky and not sleeping well...by Wednesday, I was in a certifiable bad mood.

Then...a phone call.

My uncle died very suddenly of a heart attack.

Wow.  As expected, it's when these things happen that it feels like being hit by a tonne of bricks and puts life right back into perspective.  All of the things that I had let get to me seemed pretty darn insignificant very quickly.

Shock, grief, and sadness...it's hard to talk or write about it without somehow diminishing it. 

What I will say is...

I think the best way to honour a person's memory is to try to live your life in the best way possible.

My uncle-particularly in his heyday-was an active, adventurous person.  Loved to travel, loved to spend time with family and friends, and loved to laugh.

That is truly the way I want to live the rest of my life.

If there is a "highlight reel" that you have when you die where you see your life flash before your eyes, I doubt any of the highlights are the time spent in front of the computer or the days working late, or any of those little annoyances that seem to drain so much of our energy.  No...I'm pretty sure that the highlight reel of your life must be...family holidays, first kisses, births, weddings, laughs with friends...I think the list could go on and on but I'm willing to bet it wouldn't include any of the things that I have let overwhelm me and stress me out way too often.  

Over the past few days while dealing with the shock of this loss and feeling regret about the "what ifs", and also dealing with the fear that comes from losing another person close to me so suddenly...I'm trying to remind myself...life is pretty short...and we need to LIVE it.

I went for a slow, easy run yesterday.  I say slow and easy because I honestly didn't look at my watch much and I just went down to the bay and back.  The bay holds a lot of memories for my family and I...picnics, boat trips, swimming, etc....my "highlight reel" will be full of memories from this place...and it was without a doubt, my uncle's favourite place to be.

As I was running, I breathed deeply and thought about each step.  I am so lucky that I can keep running.  I am so lucky to have an active and enjoyable life and be surrounded by people who love me and who I love back.  My goal each day will not be to just check things off my to-do list. My goal will be to try to approach each day with a lighter heart and a calmer soul.

A "full" week after....

Well, a full week after has passed and it's really hard to believe that a week ago, I crossed the finish line in Toronto, completing my first full marathon!  Now that some time has passed, I wanted to write about it while the feelings and memories were still fairly fresh.

It was quite an experience indeed....I can honestly say that I'm not sure if I've been both so excited and so scared about anything in my life...well, other than the last few weeks of my pregnancy with Emma. Feeling prepared, but questioning that preparedness at every turn...yep, that pretty much summed up the three week leading to the race.

The week before, I tried to put it out of my mind (impossible) but by Friday, I told myself that I was just going to enjoy the weekend of firsts...and I guess hubs got the memo too...surprising me with a "Good Luck" bouquet from he and Emma.  Very sweet! :)

On Saturday, we headed to Toronto...went to the expo to pick up my race kit, etc.  The expo was a bit smaller than I expected but then again, I was feeling distracted and not in the mood to really browse anyway.  Did a quick tour of the expo before heading off to our hotel to check in, relax, etc.  We ended up going to a movie that afternoon which was a great way to do something that didn't require much walking around (AND served as a good distraction!)

That night, I was a bit afraid about how sleep would go.  I actually expected to sleep very little so perhaps my lowered expectations helped me get the approx. 5 hours that I actually got.  I also believe strongly that a good luck voice mail msg from my brother-in-law (who is a machine...has ran Boston multiple times and is a running BEAST!) probably served as some major good luck karma!   I awoke Sunday morning feeling nervous but not terrible.  Giving myself plenty of time for breakfast, coffee, some hydration, and time to just prepare.  Not much time to stew or think about what lie ahead.

Our hotel was quite literally RIGHT by the start line...which was fabulous especially given the 7:30 am start! 

 

I had this moment when people were starting to mill around and gather at the start when I looked at Shaun and said:  "I do NOT belong here".    It's funny...I'm not sure if I will ever consider myself a "true runner".  Not sure why...I think because I've never thought of myself as an athletic person in the least.  Looking around me and seeing people go through their pre-race rituals...with shirts, pins, and even tattoos from past marathons they have raced...I did have a split second of "Yeah, I'm a faker".

 

 

That feeling passed once the race started.  The route itself was great.  And the thing that I love about these types of routes in cities is that the scenery changes so much, the kms really tick by (no, really..!)  At the start, the temp was nice and comfortably cool but since the forecast predicted a warm-up by mid-morning, I was very happy that I opted with a tank and capris! ;)

 



I won't go into great detail about the race itself because honestly...in some ways it did seem to go by fast.  There was definitely some highlights!  One of my best and oldest friends had told me she and her hubby would be cheering at an intersection around the 16-17 km mark...it gave me something to really look forward to in that first leg of the race.  It occupied my mind, gave me a little distraction as I got closer to that point, knowing I didn't want to miss seeing them.  Seeing them was great...it was great to see some familiar faces (especially since I was running alone!) and I was feeling strong.

 I ended up getting a major cramp in my right calf at about the 18 km mark. I walked it out a bit and it seemed to subside.  It was INTENSE though and I'm still not really sure why that happened.  I guess I've been lucky enough to never have had cramps like this before...so it slightly freaked me out but it wasn't going to make me stop. As time went on, the temps heated up in a major way.  In the second half of the race, I was not only making a point of stopping at every water / Gatorade station for a sip, but I was also grabbing a cup of water to pour right over my head.  Not attractive in the least but it did the trick of keeping my body temperature cool and comfortable! I'm NOT a hot weather runner...and not sure if others were like me, but I found the heat especially bothersome after training for months in cooler temps.  Just a couple of weeks before, I had done one of my last long-ish training runs in my winter gear!  The change was...a bit of a shock to the system!   After a quick washroom break at around the mid-way mark, I settled into getting to 30 km.  30 km is the Around the Bay distance.  I can do 30 km and I've done it many times before.  Mentally, I'm going to get to 30 km. 

Once I got to 30 km, I thought to myself...I've only got 2 more km and then I'll be running the same as my longest training run (the plan I used "only" went up to 20 miles for the longest run).  Then, once I hit 32...I actually said out loud to myself:  "Only 2 more 5 km runs!"  I don't know why but that worked for me.

I had heard about "the wall".  I had heard from many people that the marathon actually starts at the 20 mile mark.  I can see why this is true.  In that final 10 km, it is lonely in a lot of ways...and you are passing people on the ground, fatigued and dehydrated...you are hearing people talk to their running friends about just powering through.  I saw a couple of people near tears.  I saw people who you could definitely tell had simply run out of gas.  It's a funny stretch, that last 10 km.  I didn't hit "the wall".  I actually remember feeling like I didn't know how my legs were still moving because my mind was tired, but I was just going. 

About a km from the finish, I heard a couple of familiar voices and....SURPRISE....saw a couple of my friends whom I had NO IDEA were going to be there!  It was an amazing surprise!  And it gave me the jolt I needed.  I was so tired...just dreading those final minutes but how nice was it to see some familiar faces! 

Me, just after seeing Heidi and Sabrina!

 

The last kilometer was such a blur...the noise, the feeling like my legs were just flying independently from my body...it was such an rush. 

 

 



Nearing the finish...feeling "RARRRR!!!" ;)

 

Without a doubt, THE best feeling at the end was having Shaun, Emma, my parents, and my sister and her hubby at the finish.  It was an incredible feeling and I was so very happy to have them there.  As soon as I crossed the finish line, I just started to cry.  Don't worry...it wasn't a messy cry.  But tears did flow...it was happiness, relief, and I think...just an emotional release.

 

When I decided I would *try* to run a full marathon, I wasn't sure if I could do it but I thought I would make it as memorable and meaningful as possible by choosing to also raise some dollars for Heart and Stroke in memory and honour of my brother.  I felt him there at that finish line.  It probably sounds a little cliché and dramatic, but I do believe he was there.  Over the past 5 months of training, I had been lucky enough to raise over $2600 for Heart and Stroke.  It added a whole other dimension of meaning to my first full.

 

Was my time what it could have been? Certainly not. I crossed the finish line in 5:03.  I hadn't really (honest!) set a time goal, but I DO know that I purposely slowed down my pace early on when I realized how hot it was getting.  When people say they don't care about time...I usually think they are lying.  I can honestly say that I think that when anyone runs 26.2 miles for the first time, time becomes secondary to just doing it.  I am not even certain I will remember my time but I know I will always remember how I felt crossing that finish line.  It was...awesome.

 

This sums up how I felt for much of the run...I decided I was going to try and enjoy the few hours I was out there as much as possible...

 

...and enjoy it, I did.

 

The week after the race went by fast....between work and home being busy, I haven't been too much of a victim of post-marathon blues.  I took a few days off completely from running and have just started easing back in.  This approach has been good.  I am feeling good, feeling ready to run, and will enjoy some lower mileage running and focus on some new challenges, including working on my speed and doing some biking this summer.

 

For Mother's Day, hubs and Emma got me this beautiful necklace, (26.2 in Roman Numerals) and I doubt if I will ever take it off.

 

 

It's funny, right?  It's just a number.  It's just a race.  It's simple right?  Well, it's funny how something so simple is so complex.  Now I get it when I had heard so many times that you will never forget your first marathon.  Even if I never run another full, I will always remember that day.  Always.

 

I had mentioned earlier that I had never considered myself a "true runner".  It always seemed funny to me to start to get people asking me running questions.  I think I will always view myself as a beginner and I'm perfectly okay with that, you know.  As a "newbie", I want to always approach running with some excitement, some wonder, and yeah, even a little fear. 

 

Isn't that what life is all about?

  







Love, fear, and everything in between.

Like many, I've found it difficult to comprehend what happened in Boston.  I've found myself with mixed emotions ranging from wanting to know as much as possible to wanting to shut it out completely.

My amazing brother-in-law has ran Boston before and in fact, my husband has gone to Boston with him to support him and stood not far from where one of the bombs went off.  It's hard not to think about how awful that would have been had this happened when they were there.   I just....can't.....imagine.  My heart aches for those who perished, those who are fighting for their lives, and the families and loved ones of those people.  It's frightening and so sad that a day meant for celebrating the accomplishments of these amazing athletes was torn to shreds by this senseless act.  It really is senseless.  I just don't get it.  And I never want to understand why these things happen.

It also has made me think a lot about how in little more than two weeks, I'll be lining up to run my very first full marathon.  Fear, anxiety, and excitment are all normal feelings, I'm sure and somehow all of those emotions seem even more heightened.

As much as my initial, split second reaction was a sinking feeling that I may be making a mistake by running, that quickly changed and has just made me feel more determined. I feel really strongly that life must go on.  Runners need to run.  Events need to be celebrated. And overall, you need to love with a full and honest heart.  It's all too easy in this scary world to live in fear and question everything and everyone who passes through your life.  But...that kind of life isn't really the kind of life I want to live.

When I decided I wanted to take the plunge and train for a full marathon, my main goal was to do something amazing that would not only raise a few dollars in memory of a very special man (my late big brother, Bob) but to show my darling girl that she can pretty much do anything with some determination, hard work, and yeah, some passion.  Mommy ran a marathon?  Ummm, yeah!

This is suddenly sounding like an "After School Special" and I suppose, there is a cheesy slant to all of this reflection, isn't there?  I'll own the cheese. ;)  I'll also own every step that I've taken in training for this.  I'll own every early morning run, every late night run...and everything in between.  I know I won't be running that 42.2 very fast.  I know that it won't go perfectly.  I know that while I run, my emotions are going to be very raw.  I'm going to own that as well.  I know that on the actual day of the race on May 5th, I have already accomplished so much by all the time and training I have put into this.  This wasn't something I've taken lightly.  This hasn't been a whim.  This has been hard work.  It hasn't been a perfect journey, but it's one that I've been committed to.

During my last long training run (31 km on Sunday), I felt myself getting teary on my way back home.  My run went past the cemetary where my brother is...and not that I have ever believed that "he" is "there"...it's still emotional.  I miss him.  And I suppose a big part of me feels that I owe it to him and to myself to live the fullest life possible.

The concept of "living a full life" probably means something different to everyone.  And maybe part of living is actually just trying to figure out the answer to that question.  One of my colleagues remarked to me, shortly after I had signed up for this and I was expressing some of my fears:  "Won't it be great to have this to look back on?  This is going to be in your highlight reel."  It's kind of funny, but it got me thinking.  The things that we remember most are the people and things that have had an impact on us.  It's not always the wonderful celebrations...but it's not always the horrible things either that are in our "highlight reel".  I think our highlight reel is going to be the times when we showed ourselves what we are made of, we took a risk, and yep, we did something we never thought we could do but did it anyway.

Living a full life, indeed.

The Worst Run...so far.

Okay.  So maybe it wasn't exactly my "worst run EVER" but it was close to one of the worst I've had ever since I have started running.  Why?  Well, I'm not exactly sure but I'd guess it was a combination of a few things.  I had a stressful week...hubby was out of town for work most of the week, we all have had head colds, and it has been a long, sometimes frustrating week.  Lack of sleep this week of course magnified things too...and lack of sleep always makes things seems worse than they are.

All that being said, I was looking forward to heading out the door this morning.  I wasn't sure how far I'd get but knew I wanted to get out the door and take advantage of the great weather. Ugh.  Not to be.  I headed out to start my run in a bad mood...something that rarely happens but I kept telling myself, my mood would turn around the more I ran.  At about 5 km, I still wasn't feeling it.  At 10 km...I felt awful but was determined to keep going...my mind and body just weren't into it, and I was totally frustrated with myself.

By the time I hit 14 km, I ended up call my husband to come and pick me up.  Ran for another couple of km until he picked me up.  Deflated.  A 16 km run which felt so awful that it could have been 100 km. 

Hubs reminded me...this is one run...and think about all of the other runs I've done that have been great.  Think back to ATB, he said...think back to all of the other long runs, the short ones, the impromptu ones...it's never about one run.

 And it's true, isn't it?  It's never about just "one run" but it's funny how in the moment, we can convince ourselves that it's truly so disappointing and devastating that it makes us doubt our overall abilities and successes.  I think I'm probably like most people that you usually have such a limited window to get that long run in...if it doesn't happen, it's especially disappointing because it's not easy to do at another point during the week.

Anyway, so I got home, feeling deflated but also knowing that I'm probably better off for calling him for a ride rather than try to push myself and end up injuring myself or something. 

It's very funny the way things work out though.  I was feeling grumpy and disappointed.  Then,  I looked on Runkeeper and noticed something.  With today's entry...it exactly put me at 500 km for the year.

 

 

I'll take it as a sign to be less hard on myself.  Or at least try to be less hard on myself.

 

Was today's run what I wanted it to be?  Not in the least.  But I went out...and ran for almost two hours...despite wanting to talk myself of even stepping out the door. 

 

And guess what? When I didn't even expect to, I reached a new milestone.

 

I'll take it...the good with the bad....I'll still take it.

 



 

Around the Bay for the 2nd time!

Last Sunday, I was lucky enough to have run the 30k "Around the Bay" race in Hamilton, ON.  I say "lucky" because it's an extremely popular run that seems to sell out more quickly every year.  This year was my second year.  I hadn't even heard of it before friends of mine told me about it in fall of 2011 and I thought it would be a great incentive to keep me motivated to run all winter long.  I had so much fun the first time around last year, I decided to sign up again!

This year, my motivation was similar...the timing of the race ensures that you stay on track with your training during the winter months when it's all too easy to hibernate...BUT this year, I was trying to look at it as more of a training run as part of preparing for my first (and possibly ONLY lol) full marathon on May 5th!

So hubs and I headed to Hamilton on the Saturday and enjoyed a quick tour of the expo and picked up my bib, etc.  The ATB race shirts you get with registration are always nice (although this year's colour is "watermelon"...it's a little BRIGHT but I'll deal...) but I also couldn't resist buying another ATB shirt, this one is short sleeved and super cute.

Saturday night, we enjoyed dinner and a visit with some old friends, Sabrina and Lorenzo (who were the friends who had encouraged me to register the first time around!)  It's so nice to know other people running a race....even though we wouldn't be running "together", there is something really great about being able to chat and have some laughs beforehand...a good distraction and for me...a way to keep my nervous energy in check!

Sunday morning came and weather conditions ended up being perfect...it's always hard to know how to dress for races this time of year sometimes but I was comfortable in tights, a light base layer and one of my Nike running hoodies.  I also wore a ear band and gloves but peeled those item off during the last 20km when it was really starting to warm up!  I had been able to do the majority of my long runs outside this winter which was great--so this mild yet cool weather was just perfect!  I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  I will never been a HOT weather runner. 

I'm not sure if I will ever get over pre-race jitters but as someone a few years ago pointed out to me...nervous energy can be a really good thing...as long as you keep it in check.  For me, it's always the anticipation that's the worst...

Once the race started, I felt good although I'll admit, my pace felt faster than it should have been.  I tried not to look at my Garmin very much but I could see after a few quick glances.... that I was averaging 6:00-6:10/km for the first few kms.  For a longer race like the 30 km, I would normally stay closer to 6:30...and I ended up, not surprisingly, slowing down my pace for the 2nd half.  I would like to think that if I had paced myself better and started out a bit slower, I might have ran the 2nd half better, but I'm not so sure if I could have.  The last 10km of this race is VERY hilly...and well, my training just didn't include hills as much as I knew it should have (especially since this was my second kick at the can and I really knew how hilly it was!!)  Still though...I powered through, keeping to my 10 and 1's and feeling like I finished strong.

My chiptime ended up being: 3:22:16.  I'm pleased with it because I tried to keep the perspective that this truly would be a training run, NOT a race for me.....but I STILL bested last year's time by a minute.  Not shabby!  Next year (if I register....although...who am I kidding...I probably will!), I think I would like to aim for the goal to break 3:20.  I know I can do it, and I know that I could have pushed a bit harder this year but wanted to run a conservative pace. That's not a bad feeling, you know?

After a rest day on Monday (feeling a bit sore going up at the stairs at work, not going to lie!), I was glad I had a massage booked after work on Tuesday.  I was able to enjoy a nice easy 7km run on the treadmill Tuesday night and then had an even better 11.5 km run outside after work on Wednesday night! 

I am SO glad I signed up for ATB again this year.  I had initially thought it might be overkill to sign up for ATB when I had my sights really set on the full..but I think it reminded me of the importance of pacing, and allowed me to practice everything I hope to bring on May 5th.

I feel like I earned that beautiful medal this year!  Bring on 42.2!

Powering through...

Lately, I feel like I've hit a bit of a personal slump.  Not sure if it's the time of year (I was SO happy to turn that calendar page to March...I'd had enough of February!) but it seemed as if there was a "perfect storm" of stressors happening and I was being pulled in all directions but not feeling like I was going anywhere.  Frustrating for someone who NEEDS to feel "on top of things".

I knew that training for my first full marathon would be time consuming...but I also know that in most ways, it wouldn't be *that* much different than training for ATB the first year I did it...just a few more weeks of build up. 

That being said, I have also felt guilty...that my focus is maybe a bit too much on running...and not on the other areas of my life.  Call it what you want...but really at the end of the day, it's just guilt and the rational part of me knows that it is unfounded.  A few times over the past couple of weeks, I found myself thinking:  "What's the point of all this?!"  It's almost as if all of the "you're crazy!" and "I don't know how you do it!" comments from some random and not-so-random people were starting to get to me and I started to question my goals.

Truth is...in many ways, I've never felt better.  And actually...maybe that's precisely why I start to question myself and feel guilty.  I'm one of those people who seems to have it bred in the bone to worry and stress even though things are fine...especially if they seem "too fine".  Sounds crazy?  It might not though.  I think there's a lot of people out there who do the same.

One of the things I'm really trying to work on is my ability to pace myself well for my long runs and build up the mental fortitude that I know I'm going to need especially in the last leg of the marathon.  It's almost as though I need to take this same approach to other aspects of my life.  Instead of losing focus, feeling scattered, or frantic...I just need to calm down, take a deep breath, and keep moving ahead.

Getting there...

Well, I am PLEASED to report my training this winter is feeling great these days.

First of all, I have slowly, slllllooooowly started to enjoy the rewards of working out in the morning...more specifically, actually running in the morning!  Many have tried to convince me that running in the morning was the way to go but it really has taken me a long time to truly get it.
What's different this time?  Well, partly my motivation comes from the fact that I want to get my mileage in but I don't want to feel like I'm missing out on family time all the time in the evening.  My hubby's work hours have become a bit more reasonable so he is able to take our little one to daycare a couple of mornings a week (it used to be me all the time) so this allows for me to get up, go down to our treadmill and get a good run in and only have myself to get ready in the morning (which any parent who is reading this will GET how HUGE that is!!!)  I have slowly started to learn the rewards of running in the morning...I feel FANTASTIC once I get going, it seems to truly "clear my head" and I truly like knowing that I have it done...no excuses!  Realistically, it's not always going to work for me but even to do one or two of my shorter week day runs in the morning gives the the variety and change I definitely needed!

I'm also really enjoying training for ATB 30 km...AND my first FULL marathon on May 5th.  I'm using the Hal Higdon Novice 1 plan with mindset of slight adjustments when I see fit and working it to work best for my schedule.  So far, so good.  The mileage starts to definitely get a little crazy in the next few weeks but funny enough, as each week ticks by, I'm feeling more and more confident that I can do this.  I've become a major fan of his.  This plan is conservative by some standards, but I think it's a realistic for me. 

I'm also LOVING winter running.  No doubt about it...this winter is really more of an actual Canadian winter than last year...but I'm surprising myself about how much I've gotten out the door and into the snowy and chilly conditions this year.  I'm loving it!  Last weekend, I got a chance to try out my YakTrax (bought last year but didn't actually need)

 

 They worked great and gave me confidence that I can be one of those "hardcore" runners I've always admire running in the snowy conditions.

During the week, my runs tend to be on the treadmill.  Mostly because of the time of year...living out in the country, no street lights and the days are short so realistically, I gotta stay inside regardless if I run before work or after work.  However, so far...my long runs have been almost exclusively outside.  And I've enjoyed every kilometer.

I also learned a little lesson on this past weekend's long run which was a cold but amazing 22 km run along the country roads where I live.  I always run with music...I just enjoy it.  Anyway, my iPod died about 11 km in...so I was truly only half way into my run.  Truth is...I gutted it out and ended up completing my run.  Did I miss the tunes?  Absolutely?  I totally missed getting lost in the music and the beat keeping me going...but I also proved to myself that when something unexpected like that can happen I can "dig deep" and get it done.  I could have seen the day not that long ago when I probably would have let that ruin my run and felt miserable for the rest of the day.  There was NO WAY I was going to let this stop me from finishing.  I am pretty darn proud of that! :)

Hope everyone is enjoying running this winter...whether you're doing it inside OR outside, at least you're doing it!